Drown #11: three little birds, part 4

March 2086. Stephanie Nova and Justin Kim are 26. Willow and Lily are 4. Keri Riley is 25.


The weight of coffee in a thick ceramic mug was, in total, maybe fourteen ounces. In space, they drank their coffee from insulated pouches, like kindergartners with juice boxes. Here, the weight of liquid was heavy and secure. Keri moved her mug in circles to watch the foam swirl on top of the coffee.

"The role we’re offering you is Mission Specialist, Communications Lead. You’ll report directly to the Commander as a main liaison and communicator for the team. There will be sixteen on the team, consisting of flight crew, mechanics, scientists and specialists. You'll have three reporting to you, and you'll be responsible for teaching a basic range of the language to the crew."

"Yes, sir! I want in," Keri blurted out

"Hang tight, soldier. There's more to think about."

"I'm listening," Keri said. 

"Over the next few years you'll all train each other in your specialties, you'll all have a basic understanding of the languages, the flight controls, and the sciences were hoping to study once we arrive. So you can see, even though we're years from setting off still, why we need your commitment now. I know you said you were interested, but by 2087, we’ll need your final decision. I know the Cassiopeians are familiar with you, so I really hope that you’ll sign on. There is a lot you’ll have to think about. We aim to embark in 2092 and the full length of the voyage will take about five years."

"Five years."

"You have a few months to think about it before we need your answer. When you get to DC, you’ll find some more information in your classified documents."


How many people needed to decide right now what they wanted to do with the next decade of their lives? The people in this cafe, just starting their morning, were any of them even sure about what they wanted to do for the rest of their week?

Keri was twenty-five now. By the time the mission was planned and embarked upon and over with, she’d be thirty-six. Her daughter was four now and Keri had missed so much already. By the time this was all finished, what would be left?

But this was what she wanted. This was the chance that Keri threw it all away for.


A white Jeep pulled up to the curb. She recognized Justin’s walk before anything else. He'd changed his hair and she thought that his shoulders were a little wider and his arms a little stronger. The sight of him put an ache in her heart.

It was too late to take it back now, wasn’t it? Like, years and years and years too late.

They glanced at each other, amicable yet tense.



"Hey there, space cadet," Justin said.

"Hey, you," Keri said.

"How was the flight?"

"Shitty. Long. Where the hell is this place?"

"Not as far as the moon," he said.

The man between them grimaced and got up to choose a different seat.

"Come on now, don’t be stingy with the hugs," Keri said.


His hands were light on her back. He didn't squeeze her.


Keri settled into the passenger seat for a long drive into the countryside. He'd moved them all out to this place that was over an hour's drive from the nearest major airport and had no connecting trains.


"At least it's pretty out here," Keri said. She rolled down the window a crack. "Oh god, the smell of grass. Grass! Wet, soggy, dirty grass. You'd never guess that you missed the smell of grass."

"We would make room for you at the house," Justin said.

"Where?"

"We have blow up mattresses."

Keri laughed. "No way. After fifteen months in space, I am looking forward to a really nice sleep. In a really nice bed. Stephanie promised that inn had pillow top mattresses and Egyptian cotton sheets. Sorry, your blow up mattress just won't cut it."


"So you’re like a construction worker now?"

There was a short blip of offense on Justin's face. "Who said that?"

"My mom."

"She would," he said. "Actually, it's more like an electrician."

"Oh. That’s so…" Keri didn’t finish that thought. Probably wise, she figured, since he looked like he was contemplating whether he should leave her on the side of the road in this wilderness, air to breathe or not. "Do you like doing that?"

"It's actually pretty interesting stuff," he said. "We're maintaining the ventilation systems and upgrading the equipment for oxygen supplementation. The mines are a mostly closed system, so they hold air. We're hoping to open tours again by April. The girls can't wait to swim in the grotto."

"They swim already? Are they old enough for that? What else is there to do out here? I brought Lily a video game to play."


"Lily hates video games," Justin said.

"How does any child of yours hate video games?"

He shrugged.

"What does she like then?"

"She paints with Stephanie. She likes picnics and lying down on the blanket to watch the clouds. She hates touching grass with her bare feet. She hates getting dirty. She hates fishing because they smell bad. She doesn't like animals, but she loves horses. Your dad comes by and plays music for her. She liked the violin you sent."

"How am I supposed to know any of that?"

"You wouldn’t, I guess," he said. "How long are you here this time?"

"Four weeks, well, three and a half."

"And then?"

"I have to set up an office in DC, they’ll have me between there and the launch site in Fort Palmetto for a while. I'll get weekends here and there until I go back up to the Lunar colony again. If you guys had just gone to DC like we talked about, I could be a lot more involved, for more time, and you wouldn’t have to do it all alone."

Justin shook his head. "I’m not doing it alone."

"Right, of course. Stephanie."

Justin pulled the car over. Keri worried for a second that he might ask her to get out and walk.


"Listen, I have something to tell you. And I’m just going to say it since you’re going to find out when we get there anyway. I’ve been trying to tell you for weeks, actually, but you have a way of twisting up a conversation into knots."

"Go on."

"Stephanie’s pregnant."


Keri didn’t know why that little factoid hit her like a ton of bricks. It shouldn’t have, really. It’s not like she wanted to have any more babies for him instead. But she still sort of loved him, in a way. It wasn’t like she ever stopped loving him. She just hadn’t loved him as much as he wanted. She didn’t love him more than herself. She didn’t love him more than her blossoming career. She didn’t love him more than exploring the universe. She didn’t love him more than opportunity or experience or a lot of things, but she loved him.

Love was such a nuisance of an emotion in Keri’s heart. What good would it ever do her?


"Say something, Keri."

"Man, don't wait for the ink to dry or anything."

"The ink's been drying for years."

"How far along is she?"

"Almost sixteen weeks now."


"Keri, can we please be civil? Because the way it’s going with Jeremiah is really bad. He’s cruel, he’s vicious. We don’t have to do it that way, do we? I know you probably hate my guts. Or you hate Stephanie's guts. If you wanted to, you could take me to court and make my life a living hell. I know you could. But we’re dealing with that already. It’s really really hard already. We don’t need it twice. Please."


"We can be civil," she said.

"Are you sure? Can you be nice to her?"

"Yeah. I'll try. Okay? So drive the car or something."


They drove the last twenty minutes to Copper Hill in a mutually agreed silence.

Keri looked out the window and thought of the image of her daughter in photographs, two dimensions. She wondered what Lily smelled like or whether her hair felt coarse or smooth. She couldn't remember. She should know these things about her own daughter, yet she didn't.

Before long, her thoughts drifted to work, to those classified documents she wanted to read but wouldn't be able to access over a hotel internet connection. She thought of the ten year commitment she needed to make or not make. She thought about all the things a person could choose to do in a lifetime, exciting things, meaningful things, and how you couldn't choose to do them all.

They pulled up a dirt driveway in front of a small wooden cottage.

Keri followed Justin inside.



As Keri locked eyes with her daughter, Lily broke into an explosive fit of tears. She covered her face and wailed, turning to fold herself under Stephanie's arm. "You gotta call the police again," Lily cried. "I don't wanna go. I don't want my momma. I don't want to go to South Carolina like Willow’s daddy. I don't wanna go 'cause then you won't be my Steffie anymore."

Keri had no idea what Lily was talking about. She stood there at the door, still as stone, feeling like an intruder in her daughter's life.


"Oh, no, don’t you worry, little girlie," Stephanie whispered, tucking Lily's head underneath her chin. "You’re not going to South Carolina. You’re staying right here with me and your dad and Willow and your baby brother."

"Okay," Lily sniffled.

"And you know what else?"

"Huh?"

"I will always be your Steffie. Forever and ever."

"Even when I have my momma?"

"Yes, even then. When you go to school, when you learn to drive, when you get married, even some day when you're a momma yourself, I'll still be your Steffie. But your mom has been waiting a really long time to hang out with you. She came all the way down from the moon, just to see you. What do you think? Do you think she can sit here by you for a little while?"

Lily sighed. "Maybe."


Then Stephanie got up and nodded for Keri to take the sofa. Keri approached the empty spot next to Lily, feeling awkward and unwelcome and at a loss for what to say. She didn't know anything about four-year-olds, especially not crying ones. She wanted to turn around, walk out the door, and fly straight back to the moon where she belonged.

But since she couldn't do that, she said, "Can I tell you about my horse?"


"You have a horse?"

"Not now, but when I was little. A bit older than you are right now. Before I met your dad. Even before I met Stephanie. I had a horse called Rocket."

"Wow, did he go as fast as a rocket?"

"You betcha! He was faster than the speed of light. He was black as the nighttime sky with little specks of white, like stars. When he jumped, you had to hold on so tight, because if you didn't, you'd fly like an eagle."

The look of awe fell from Lily's face and she scrunched up her nose. "People can't fly like eagles."

"If you flew off of Rocket, you could. Do you like horses?"

"Yeah, I like horses! Can I ride Rocket?"

"Sadly, Rocket went to Heaven, because you know horses don't live a super long time. But you can ride Rocket's son. He still lives in some stables in Bluewater County, near where I grew up."

"What's his name?"


"His name is Firecracker."

"Ha ha ha," Lily laughed. "A rocket and a firecracker."

"I know, right?" Keri said.

Justin took Willow's shoulder in one hand and Stephanie's fingers in the other, and he pulled them into the bedroom to give Keri and Lily some space to talk about horses.

—

"Mm, that was a nice hug," Stephanie said. "What was that for?"

"I’m just so glad I have you," Justin said.


"Me too, Mommy," Willow said. "I'm glad I have you, too."

—

footnotes: where Keri is going // the last/only time Keri saw Lily // drinking coffee in space

outtakes: five minutes later // Keri's room at the inn

notes: we didn't actually have horses in TS2, but I have no doubt that if we did, Keri's family would have owned some and Keri would have had her own pony. We don't have horses in TS4, either, but I do hope we get them back when we get a pets expansion. I have some CC horse statues and I've been wondering who might own stables some day in my neighborhoods.