boxes and squares #4.4: now know the answer

October 2088. Jordan Graham is 28, Maria Boone is 26.

warnings: gratuitous kissing, nudity, excessive swoon, NSFW 😍

previously: Maria vs the bugs // why would she want to keep you? // the revenge dress 

“Have a good booty call,” Lou joked as she dropped Maria off at the train station. For as serious and ornery as Lou could be, she was also very immature sometimes. This wasn’t just a very expensive booty call. This visit was pivotal. This visit would make or break everything, whether the rest of them understood that or not. Maria understood that, and that’s why she was scared before she ever agreed to come. 

But she only had herself to blame. She had to remember, this was all her doing. She kissed him in the kitchen at work when he already decided he was leaving. She invited him home to her bed before he was ready to stay. And now here they were in this mess. She told him she would be okay with this, and she promised him she wasn’t giving up. She really had no right to feel impatient, even if she was sometimes. She was only human, and her human heart had needs. Her human heart cried out for more. 

Scraps, please just throw me some scraps, just enough to keep believing a little longer.

But sometimes when she begged for scraps, every so often, he delivered her a feast.

His smile when he saw her emerge from the underground, his arms waiting to receive her. This hug wasn’t any ordinary hug. Without an ounce of restraint or hesitation, he folded himself around her and buried his face into her neck, like they could melt into each other, so snug she felt weightless. This hug felt like his voice on the phone begging her not to give up on him, like desperation and apology and thank you.

Maria knew now that she wouldn’t get back the same man she let go of seven weeks ago. This hug came from a man who was stronger, sadder and tougher. He was trampled by disappointment and rebuilt from the rubble. This is the man she was waiting for, the one he was still in the process of becoming.

“Oh god, I missed you,” he said.

“That was too long, huh?”

“Way too long. Whose idea was that? He’s an idiot.”

She giggled. “Hey now, I don’t kiss idiots.”

She gave him a sweet kiss to prove her point, but they quickly got carried away. They got lost in their hot breath and soft lips and eager hands.





They were surrounded by a lively Saturday evening in downtown Sierra Nova, people coming and going, dressed for nightclubs and dinner and romantic walks on the pier. She was too hungry for him to care. She wandered the landscape of his shoulders and arms, fighting the urge to run her hands up under this nicely tucked shirt. It was probably for the best that he tucked it in, because she didn’t want to embarrass him with her enthusiasm. She might have restrained herself on his behalf, but his hands felt equally willing as they slid down her waist to the curve of her bottom. Such a polite and discreet little squeeze. She giggled happily. 

In all, it was probably less than a minute and most people were focused on themselves. 

“You got stronger,” she said.

“You think so?”

She nodded. “I’m sure.”

“Maybe the climbing worked after all?” He shrugged. “So, I guess it’s dinner time? Did you eat on the train? Are you hungry?”

She grinned a saucy grin. “I’m not hungry for food.”

He laughed. “Well, then, I better take you somewhere quieter, because you look famished. Come on, let’s get out of here.”




First he took her backpack and slung it over his shoulder, then he took her hand. They could eat later. They could see the sights and sounds later. They could even talk later. All they’d been doing for the past seven weeks was talking.

Seven weeks ago, they started something so fresh and new and wide open with discovery, then they promptly bottled it all up. Now they were bursting to continue what they started. They had so much catching up to do. In bed, with no clothes on, drowning in touch and togetherness. Call it a booty call if you like; it was going to be a glorious one.

—

She hadn’t actually seen his camper before except in pictures. All she knew of this thing was what he told her, and he told her everything. The mechanical problems, the foul smells, the strange creaks and moans. She’d be lying if she said she didn’t worry about staying here.

“Oh, okay,” she said, stepping inside.

He laughed at her lack of enthusiasm. “I know it’s not The Ritz. But you just wait, someday…”



“But it doesn’t smell bad,” she said. Because she remembered the early stories he told her of a potent mix of urine and something that had possibly died in there. Now it smelled like fresh-cut lumber, aged leather upholstery, and a couple of candles that had been extinguished recently. And that wasn’t foul at all. It was possibly not even bad.

“I had to lose the carpets,” he said, “and the old sofa, and the mattresses, and well, anything that had fabric on it at all. It couldn’t be saved. The wood floors are new, too. Reclaimed wood, I got a pretty good deal.”



Next they looked at the tiny bathroom. Truly tiny. They hardly had room to both step inside at once.

She had questions. “So, uh, where does the stuff go?”

He chuckled behind her. “I’m just gonna tell you it’s magic and you don’t have to worry about it.”

“Oh.”

“Really, you don’t need to think about it.”

“Then I won’t,” she said. She would try not to, at least.




“And the kids bedroom.”

“Oh, this is charming,” she said.

“Well, I guess I made it a little girly to start. It seems like JoJo gets first dibs, since I haven’t had much luck getting my boys out here.”

“She’s gonna love it. And don’t worry, we’re gonna get your boys out here, too.”

“I, uh, haven’t thought about what we’ll do if we need to fit all three at once.”

“Wouldn’t that be a great problem to have?”

“Yeah.”



They went to the main room again. “Welcome back to the living room. It’s also the dining room and kitchen. But I mostly cook outside on the grill. The fridge works, but the power is hit or miss. The solar battery is faulty, so don’t be alarmed if the lights go off.”



She laughed. Then she grinned. “What ever are we gonna do in the dark?”

Oh, this. How she missed all of this, how they were, so sparkling and playful and sweet. They smiled at each other, charged with longing, until they couldn’t stand not touching for a minute longer.




The bedroom. The grand finale of this little tour. Not because it was fancy or luxurious. Actually, it was hardly a room at all. There was no door. One of the walls was a curtain, and the windows had sheets for shades. But it looked tidy and comfortable and she longed to lay across that bed and let him devour her, ravenously and completely.











You could wander the whole world in search of somewhere to rest your soul. Don’t you know it isn’t a place? It’s her.



A cool breeze cut across the bed from window to window, brushing over their bare skin, ruffling the sheets that hung as curtains. Outside, the day perished and darkness fell. She lay silently on his chest, maybe not asleep, but maybe not awake, either. But he wasn’t tired. There was too much to think about.

He needed to escape and to stay at the same time. He never thought it was possible, but what if those two things could coexist? He needed this—to roam the wide world with this woman at his side. What if he could have both? He didn’t know if it was the best answer, or a terrible one, or just the only answer he had.

But he had nothing to offer her. He had literally nothing. It would be insane. What would he say to her? I’m a known failure with half a job and no prospects. How about quit your job, leave your family, uproot your poor innocent daughter and your whole life, and come follow me around in my broken camper?

He couldn’t ask her that. How could he?

She shivered in the breeze and nestled closer to his body. He went to pull the blanket over them, but she woke.



“So, um, now I’m hungry for food,” she said. “Is it too late? Is everything closed?”

It was nine o’clock. Not too late for a college town on a Saturday night.

“I know of a place,” he said. He could afford to take her out to dinner. Here, he could. The local Tex-Mex place catered to broke college students. He was really in his element in this town.

But she wanted to freshen up first. “Does the shower work? Is it warm?”

“It works. Warm? Um, it might take a minute to get warm. But it’ll get there.”

So he turned on the propane, started the water heater roaring, got the water flowing. But he hadn’t considered the lights. They were using lanterns and candles, so he didn’t notice when the power, which was hit or miss, ultimately became a miss.

“Uh, that’s okay,” she said, “Maybe do you have, like, a flashlight?”

They were in a camper. Of course he had flashlights. He grabbed the closest spare camping lantern, which was right outside the door, and he brushed off the spiders before she could freak out and call it quits on the spot. He knew how much she hated bugs. And well, “good luck,” he said, because “have a great shower” would have been silly. There was no way this shower was going to be great.




At least he had freshly laundered towels for her after this disappointing shower.

How could this ever work? He didn’t mind these inconveniences himself, but women and children needed different things. They needed lights in the bathroom, and warm water, and a fridge that worked all of the time and not just sometimes. Maria was gentle and caring, forgiving and patient, but make no mistake, she was a princess sometimes. She didn’t belong here in this broken camper. If she had any sense, she would run as far away as she could before they dug themselves in deeper.

But he didn’t want her to run. Please don’t run. He wanted her to be with him, beside him, everywhere he went. And that was selfish, maybe. It was foolish. They only became a couple two months ago, and they’d been long distance for most of that time. They were in such limbo here. It was too soon and far too much to ask, and yet, it was the only answer. They couldn’t do another month of long distance, over and over again. She deserved so much better than all of this.

He should have fixed the electric panel and solar power converter by now. He was embarrassed for himself that he invited her here, but she was being so polite about it. Colette would have laughed him straight off of the planet. Ha, you fool, you loser, you joke! What were you even thinking? Looks like you got someone to fuck you, but why would she ever want to keep you?

It was a stupid idea.



Maria finished her shower and came out dressed.

“I’m sorry about that,” he said.

“It’s okay,” she said. “It wasn’t that bad. It got warm enough by the end.”

She wore a casual ankle-length dress and a denim jacket. He loved her in red. “You look beautiful,” he said. “I’m just gonna wear this again if you don’t mind. I only have one nice shirt.”

“Of course you should wear it again. You only had it on for an hour before I took it off you.”



She studied his eyes, and what was she trying to find in there? Did she really want to know him that deeply? He was afraid of what she would find. More trouble than he was worth? Not everything she hoped for? Sorry, so sorry, she didn’t mean to sign up for all this?

It’s okay. You can change your mind if you want to. I wouldn’t blame you. 

He didn’t know if she came to any conclusions, but she tipped up and kissed his cheek. She left her lips there on his skin for so long, her gentle love seeped into his pores, into is blood, and flowed through his veins, knowing just how far to go, just which turns to take, just what dose of medicine to deliver to his fickle heart. She knew all the paths of his heart because she already lived there.

Then she said, “Let’s go get some food.”

—

Then on the way to dinner, a blogger stopped them for one of those random “couple on the streets” interviews. It was fun and hilarious.

—

Dinner was delicious and filling, and the margaritas left them feeling light and bubbly. They promised not to talk about their children the whole time, and they mostly achieved that goal. They talked about their plans, and even about their future, but in such a vague and far off way. She and Johanna would love to join him and the boys in Japan next winter. And next summer, they would take the camper to California to visit vineyards and drive up the coast. But tomorrow, next week, all the days in between? They didn’t need to talk about that right now. Tonight was for magic and whimsy. Tonight, they walked away from the main strip down to the waterfront. She studied the beach with her eyes full of curiosity.

“What is it?” he asked.

“I just wonder if the sand is dry or mucky,” she said. “Or if the shells and stones are too sharp, or if it’s wet and there’s those little sand crabs that burrow underneath?”

She wanted her toes in the sand, but only if it was perfect sand.

He bent down to feel, to run his fingers through the drifts. It was dry, cold now from the night, and a little course but not too rough. “No sand crabs,” he said. “Give me your foot.”

He unbuckled her sandals. He took a handful of sand and sprinkled it over her toes, waiting for her reaction.




“I just feel weird about gross things touching my feet sometimes,” she said. “You must think I’m so lame.”

“Never,” he said. “Don’t we all worry about things sometimes?”

He took off his boots and socks, too, and they left their things in a pile.

The beach was empty this late at night. In one direction, there were the shrieks of drunk college kids walking from the restaurant to the nightclub to the train station. In the other direction, the roar of a far off waterfall. On the street corner, a busker played “Can’t Help Falling In Love” on a saxophone.

Jordan held his hand out to her. “I didn’t get to dance with you at Stephanie’s wedding.”

Maria smiled. She took his hand and he spun them into a playfully exaggerated slow dance.

“But I didn’t say I was any good at this,” he added. They both laughed and continued to spin and sway in the sand.







“So why didn’t you ask me?”

“Because I was dressed for table service,” he said, “and you were wearing your revenge dress.”

She gasped with laughter. “My what?”

“I think of that one as your revenge dress,” he said. “Because you wore it to that wedding after I told you I was leaving. And it was so red, and it fit you in all the right places. I just think you must have been pretty mad at me to be as sad as you were that night and show up in that dress.”



Maria smiled, guilty as charged.

“Am I right?”

“Well, I certainly have uglier dresses,” she said. “But I still would have danced with you, even in your service uniform, even if you had food spilled all down the front of it, even if I was mad.”

He shrugged. “I should have asked anyway, I guess. Or I should have told you sooner. Or I should have kissed you sooner.”



She shook her head. “It’s okay,” she said. “We can’t change what we did or didn’t do. You shouldn’t change it even if you could. Haven’t you had some experiences? Learned some things? Whatever you did or didn’t do is the reason we ended up right here, dancing in the sand. Then it was perfect.”

“Well, I’m still sorry you had to go through so much trouble so I could figure out my shit.”

She grinned teasingly. “Oh, so you think you’re done then? You have it all figured out?”

“No, probably not all of it. Sorry.”



She settled into his shoulder, swaying slower now, barely swaying at all. “The margarita made me sleepy,” she said, after she yawned in his ear.

“We can go if you want?”

“Not yet,” she said.

It was a nice place to be, here in the sand, where every choice and error had finally led them. She was here in his arms, now, finally, her hair on his cheek, her chest breathing against his. She was here in spirit through all of this, when he broke down, when he ran, when he faltered. She was here, loving him, constant and sure.

This love was not a thing to be escaped, like clawing out of a cage or evading a cleverly laid snare. Her love called out to him from anywhere he roamed, gentle and steady, like a beacon to guide him back home.



“I love you,” he said.

“Oh?” Her sleepy eyes went wide and she pulled away from his shoulder to look at him. She probably thought she hadn’t heard him right.

“Yeah, um, so I love you and I needed you to know that, and I’m sorry it took me so long to figure it out.”

“It’s okay,” she said. “I always felt loved by you. I knew you’d get there in the end.”

“You’re too good to me,” he said.



“If I am, it’s because I love you, too. So much.” Her smile was happy and dazed. “I feel like I’m dreaming. I’m not, am I?”

“Not right now,” he said.

“So, is that what you figured out? Like, ten minutes ago?”

“No, not ten minutes ago. It’s been a little longer than that.”

“Thirty minutes?”

“Ha ha. Thank you for being patient with me.”

“It was worth waiting for,” she said.





As the night dragged on, he felt more of her weight hung on his shoulders. She yawned again. The faith she had in him to hold her up, the trust that he would take care of her. He liked the man she saw in him. He wanted to become that guy.

“You’re so tired,” he said. “You want to head back now?”

“Mmm…” she hummed into his shoulder. “Just five more minutes. This is so nice. Who knows when we’ll be able to do this again?” 

About that. He wondered if this magical burst of confidence was spent? Was the timing all wrong now? Would it be too heavy? Would she say no?

As if reading his mind, she added, “But we don’t have to talk about that tonight. This night has been just perfect, so perfect, couldn’t be more perfect.”

She was half asleep already and floating off into the most magical dreams. He wanted that for her tonight. He would carry her off on a cloud to a place where everything was decided and no one was disappointed with the answer. He would lay her in bed and hold her there until the morning.

Tomorrow would come with its answers, whatever they may be, but this night would always be perfect.

—

extras and outtakes: Sierra Nova street scene // ha ha they didn’t think anyone noticed, lol! // Maria is tired // go to bed, sweeties

rest your soul, dear wanderer: full love scene, rated spicy but not smutty! 🌶️🌶️🌶️

posemaker credits