Drown #10: the mouse, part 4

January 2086. Stephanie Nova is 26, Justin Kim is 25. Willow is 4, Lily is 3. Jeremiah Day is 29.

* sensitive content advisory for Drown #10: the mouse, parts 3, 4, & 5


Justin said not to even think about the messages, but Stephanie thought about them all night. She felt weak in her heart and they'd hurt her there. She should have been stronger. She tried, but she wasn't stronger.



In the morning, Justin couldn't stay and comfort her, as much as he would have liked to. They needed all the money they could get, and he needed to go to work until he found a new job up north. "Call me if he sends you any more messages," he said. "Or call me anyway, even if you just feel worried, or even if you just want to chat."


After a few hours, Jeremiah did call again. Stephanie let the call go to her voicemail.


Minutes later, he tried again. Another voicemail. Then another text.

She turned off her phone and tried to distract herself.


She didn't read them. She tried not to think about them.


She threw up. She didn't know whether it was because of the nerves or the morning sickness.


She cleaned herself up and thought about the things Jeremiah had said. All the ways she thought that he was wrong, and the ways she knew that he was right. Her tits were like mosquito bites. They always were. Before she got pregnant, at least.


When she came downstairs, Lily wanted a hug.

"Oh, thank you," Stephanie said. "That was so nice. I needed a hug, too."


Then Willow hugged her, too.


"My Steffie," Lily said, pushing Willow aside and hugging Stephanie again.


"Silly girl, you should be nice to your sister," Stephanie said to Lily. "Don’t you think I have enough hugs for both of you? Don't you think I can hug two children? What about when I need to hug three?"

Stephanie felt a surprise of enjoyment, calling them sisters. Not that they’d ever treated them unlike sisters, but when the new baby was here, they’d be linked for real, too.

"You can't hug three," Lily said, "‘cause you only got two arms."

"I bet I can," Stephanie said. "You just wait and see."


Stephanie closed her eyes and filled her heart with the squishy love of her two little girls.

Then Cynthia called from the other room. "Stephanie, is your phone off? Justin tried to reach you, he said your mother has been trying to reach you, too."

"Oh, no," she said. She should have at least told Justin and her mom before she turned her phone off for the whole day. She turned it back on.


She jumped out of her skin when the message alert chimed, but it was just her mother and Justin this time. And, at the end of the list, the previous message she had been trying not to read from Jeremiah.

1/08/2086, 11:45am
Stephanie, you know I don’t mean those things. You know how I get when I’m...

She tapped the messages closed before she could accidentally read another line. She texted Justin that she was okay and so so sorry for shutting off her phone without telling him. Then she called her mother back.


"Jeremiah came by the house Sunday afternoon," Alice said. "It was early. You would have still been on the road. We weren't planning to be there at all since you were out of town, but we got a call from the neighbors. He's been creeping around the windows, on and off. Connor, from across the street, saw him parked in the driveway. Just waiting. My goodness, I suppose he isn't taking it as well as I thought."

"What did you tell him?"

"Nothing, of course. I just said that you were out. I said he would see Willow next weekend when he's supposed to."

"Oh, Mom. You shouldn't have gone there."

"To my own home? Of course, we had to go there. Oh, we're probably too old for such a big house now. Especially without you and Justin and the girls there. You can understand how the neighbors feel with him sulking around there. We should probably just sell it."

"Why don't you have Patrick look in on it?"

"You know he doesn't like the suburbs."

"Or Riley?"

"She's busy with all of her dogs."

"I’m sorry, Mom. I know I was supposed to look after it for you. I hope he wasn't too bad."

"Well, don't worry about that. But he’s certainly a firecracker, isn’t he? I suppose now I know why I never really liked him. It must have been a gut feeling. In any case, though, I'm glad you weren't here when he came by."

Jeremiah was right about one thing, at least. Stephanie knew she was a mess. She was an absolute burden to everyone who loved her.

Sometimes she wondered if she should have just stayed with him and saved everyone the trouble.


They started to pack what little things they could, nothing big, nothing Jeremiah would notice, nothing more than they could carry in one trip to the car.


She tried to keep busy, but she couldn’t stop thinking about the messages. The line that she didn't mean to read. It almost sounded like an apology. They would probably be nasty messages, but what if they weren’t? He had been her husband for a while and she couldn’t not listen to them. What if he wanted to apologize? Because if he wanted to say that he was sorry, then she wanted to hear it. She deserved to hear it.

The girls went down for their nap and Cynthia had gone to the grocery store. Maybe she would just read the first one.

1/08/2086, 11:45am
Stephanie, you know I don’t mean those things. You know how I get when I’m mad. They’re words, they mean nothing. You know how I’m not good without you. You know I need you to calm me down. Can you just do that for me? I'm only frustrated because you're not listening to me. Let me see you, let me talk to you. I just need to say some things. I need you to hear me.

1/08/2086, 11:49am
Goddamn it! Three years, Stephanie. I’ve been dreaming about you for three years while you were off fucking someone else. I was faithful to you, you can believe in that, because I’m not the liar that you are. But I meant what I said, I’d forgive you for it all. Do you hear that? I forgive you. You goddamn fucking bitch, you cheated on me, you betrayed me, and I forgive you. 

But she couldn't stop reading them, as much as she wanted to. She really tried, but she wanted to know what they said.

1/08/2086, 12:09 pm
Listen, just listen. It's because I had all these ideas about our future, and I was hoping to share them with you. I had the perfect plan. Here’s how it should have gone: I’d come home, and you’d let yourself fall in love with me again. You did love me once, I know you did. We’d have another baby, or a few. I’d take you to South Carolina. You’d wake up every morning and walk to the ocean, and you’d be happy. We would be happy. I could have been all that you ever needed. I still can, if you decide to come with me. Come to South Carolina with me. I was good to you, Stephanie. It can be that way again. I would have been so good to you if you just would have loved me.

1/08/2086, 2:45pm
He doesn't love you. You have to hear me because you’re confused. You’ve got it all wrong. You’re so naive, you’re so stupid, and you’re going to regret this because he does not love you. I’m the one who loves you. He loves Keri, and you know he still does. He loved Keri first. Nobody forgets their first. She was the one for him. Don't you remember that? Don't you remember how they were? Then Keri wouldn’t stay with him, so you were his backup plan. He wanted Keri, he never would have loved you if he could have had Keri.

I’m not trying to be cruel—it just hurts me to see you so naive. He has you enamored, I know he does. He has you charmed. Of course he does, because he didn't get what he wanted. Of course he wants to hang on to his backup plan. He'd say anything not to lose you after he already lost her. But he didn’t love you, or else why didn’t he want you when he could have had you? You wouldn’t have even met me if he loved you, but he didn’t love you. Not as completely as I do. I loved you when he wanted to be with Keri. I loved you from the moment I saw you and I knew that you were exactly what I needed. You can’t forget about that now and pretend the story went differently.

1/08/2086, 3:02 pm
You loved me, Stephanie. You still do. It's in there, deep in your heart. It's why you're listening to this message. You can't let me go.

She cringed and threw the phone down on the floor and tried to distract herself with more packing.



It’s okay, I don't believe it, I totally don’t care, she told herself.

But then she started to cry.

Jeremiah was right. Justin never loved her as much as he loved Keri. He didn't even want to propose that night in the car. He wasn’t ready, maybe he never would have been ready if she hadn't begged him to do it. That was wrong, she shouldn't have asked him. He wasn’t ready for the engagement, he wasn’t ready for the house. She should have waited for him to be ready.

Stephanie thought about the way Justin still fought with Keri, they fought like a married couple. They still were a married couple. They weren’t even legally separated yet. There was no paperwork, no process, nothing but words. Flimsy, fleeting words. What if he changed his mind and decided not to divorce her after all?

She told herself not to believe it, except that it was true. Justin loved Keri first. She couldn't forget about that now and pretend the story went differently.


Stephanie wanted to shrink. She wanted to melt into the floor. Jeremiah's words were like poison, they ate and destroyed everything that they touched. He was wrong, he had to be wrong, but it hit all of the soft, doubtful spots in her heart, the spots only he would know how to hit, and he hit them hard. The poison did what poison does.

—

footnotes: because, if you remember, Stephanie is supposed to be looking after the house while her parents moved to the city for the university gig // but Steph has a new house! 

outtakes: hugs