boxes and squares #3: what dreams?

October 2088. Jordan Graham is 28, Maria Boone is 26, Lou Corelli is 29.

Soundtrack: “Dreams” by The Cranberries

previously: what happened after Stephanie’s wedding // meet Lou

* briefly NSFW 😇

Before he headed out into the wilderness, while still in San Sequoia, Jordan stopped into a tattoo parlor in a quiet suburban shopping strip. Colette was never a fan of his only tattoo and forbade him from getting more. Why did he ever let her decide that for him? They weren’t married, and half the time they hardly liked each other.

Now, they weren’t together at all anymore and he wasn’t asking permission.

He wasn’t asking Maria, either, to be honest, though her opinion he absolutely cared about. This journey for him meant not letting women control his life anymore, and that had to include Maria, as well.

So, with a sizable chunk of his travel fund and a couple of ibuprofen, he settled in to commit vision to flesh. And he said a small prayer that Maria wouldn’t mind this one on him, because it wasn’t exactly small.



His travels would next take him up the coast and into the Cascade Mountains where he looked forward to being truly off-grid and out of cell reception for a few days.

Now it was time to go get lost and see what epiphanies he might find.

You caused a damn lot of trouble to be here. Is it everything you hoped for?

—

At Coolidge House Country Inn, Sharon’s staff had shrunken by a third. But, in honesty, Ingrid was never very useful here besides peddling paintings at the waterfront shop, and she was completely useless in any capacity at the inn. But Jordan was valuable beyond words. He did a little bit of everything around here. And of course, just as he left, everything breakable broke.



Early October, when they should have been gearing up for their annual fall festival, this year Sharon worried whether they could even pull off a festival at all. She called a staff meeting in the dining room.

“Ian, are you any good at fixing appliances?”

“Sorry, Ms. Coolidge,” he said. “I’m really not, and it’s kind of sexist to assume I would be.”

“Wow, you really are Ingrid’s twin, aren’t you? Uh, Drake?”

“You wanted me to find a new tiramisu recipe,” Drake said into his culinary magazine, monotone, turning a page carefully with fingernails tidier than most of the women in this room. There was no way he had ever picked up a wrench in his life.

“Never mind, Drake.” Then Sharon had an idea. “Oh, Stephanie, Justin used to help out around here a couple of years ago, when he was free. Do you think he’d still be interested in a little side work?”



“Sorry,” Stephanie said. “I don’t think he could. He’s running his new business full-time now, and he’s still doing his blog, and he just started grad school this month. He’s gonna be an architect!”

“Well, good for him,” Sharon said. “What a go-getter.”



“I forgot to mention,” Ian said, “I’m starting grad school in the spring, too. I mean, I’m not quitting here, yet. I can pick up a few hours here and there. But Jessica says I’d make a great college professor.”

“Lord help me,” Sharon muttered. “Is anyone else going to grad school or to climb mountains that I should know about?”

Stephanie and Drake shook their heads.

“Maria?”

“Oh, uh…” Maria stopped, thinking it was probably a very bad time to ask for her unused vacation days so she could run off to the mountains to visit her wayward boyfriend who caused all this mess in the first place. “Nope, nothing going on with me.”

Sharon was a generous and fair boss. She paid well and offered bonuses after big events. She wasn’t a harpy—she let them all sit around and chat in the kitchen when their work ran out. She let the kids come after school and play in the yard, and she even let the little ones crash in an empty room at night when their childcare fell through. That was just about the best gig a single mom could ask for, and Maria didn’t dare take that for granted.



After their meeting finished, Maria and Stephanie had no cooking to do without a working fridge. Maria set to work mopping a giant puddle on the floor, while Stephanie poked around inside the appliance.

“Actually,” she said. “Let’s see here…”



Maria hovered behind her nervously, while Stephanie poked around inside with a screwdriver. “Maybe you should call Justin over?”

“How hard can it be?” Stephanie mused. “I’ve seen him do this one a dozen times.”

“Shouldn’t we unplug it or something?”

“Hang on… I think this is how it goes. Just, like, have your phone ready in case I get zapped.”

Maria got her phone out, call screen on.

Click. Pop. Whirrrr. The refrigerator sprung back to life.



“You fixed it!”

“I fixed it!”

“Damn, girl, we don’t even need any men in this kitchen!”

The words left Maria’s lips and she felt instantly gutted, like she had betrayed Jordan’s memory in this kitchen and all the things here that his hands had fixed.



Stephanie already had their accounts open, trying to cancel the work order that Sharon had placed for the fridge.

Maria gazed at the stool where Jordan used to sit. His absence was so heavy here, and this place wasn’t the same without him. This kitchen was just a kitchen. And sure, they would probably get by without him, but it wouldn’t ever be the same. Not for Maria.



Stephanie noticed her frowning at the empty barstool. “I bet you really miss him,” she said.

“Oh, gosh, you have no idea!”

Maria was deeply touched that Stephanie noticed, that she remembered how it was. These people here, Stephanie in particular, and maybe Drake on occasion, were the only people who knew them together. Nobody else witnessed their silly jokes, their stolen moments, their goofing off in the kitchen at the end of the night, lingering after everybody else went home. Jordan had no business in this kitchen unless something was broken, but he was always here, and it wasn’t just for the free food. Stephanie knew. It was real, and she witnessed it, too.



“Oh, wait!” Maria realized that Stephanie actually didn’t know. She’d been away on her honeymoon. “You actually have no idea. Do you want to hear what happened after your wedding?”

“Yes, please,” Stephanie said, wiggling in her chair to get comfy, perked up to hear something juicy.

“Well, it started right here in this kitchen, actually…” Maria spilled all the details of what and how and where and how many times, and how serious it all was or could be, and how she never knew a heart could feel so broken and full at the same time.

And with their fridge fixed now, they could have started prepping for tomorrow’s catering orders, but Maria was dying to relive it all with someone who knew him, and Stephanie never turned down some good gossip!

—

Jordan came to this wilderness for answers and he wouldn’t leave here empty-handed. He reaffirmed to himself that he was happy as a clam living this way. It was everything he thought it would be, and he would do this forever if life allowed it. He loved the quiet, clear nights, and the sounds of wildlife all around him. He loved the dusty deserts and the vast soggy mountain forests. He loved the idea that he didn’t have to choose one or the other. He’d go where he wanted to go until he didn’t want to be there anymore. 

Not everything was fun. His old rust bucket of a camper would seriously test his handy skills. Electrical work scared him, and he kept imagining how he could shock himself out here in the wilderness and die and how long would it be before anyone found out what happened to him?

A morbid thought that was minor in comparison to the overwhelming joy of freedom and wide open spaces. 

  
He didn’t need much money. If he had it his way, he would get by just fine. The campsite fees were cheap. He fished and foraged for wild mushrooms and berries when he could, and he even taught himself a couple new recipes. Fishing, however, still eluded him, but he’d like to get better at it. 

What money he needed, he mostly owed to Colette. But he could easily pick up a gig or two, and he had something to send to her. Whether or not the effort was appreciated was another matter. 

“Okay, fine, but you still need a lawyer,” she whined. “We need a child support schedule. You can’t just send money whenever you feel like it.” 

Nothing he did would ever make her happy.






And there was another truth he had discovered: Colette was the cage he ran from, the cage he clawed his way out of with nails and teeth, so desperate to escape that he would implode his whole life over it. Her criticism, her control, her judgment, her demands, her impossibility to ever please. So he burst out of that cage and ran as fast and as far as he could, leaving tears and disappointment in his wake. It was the only way he knew how to break free.

He felt a little stupid for causing all that trouble to discover something that now seemed so obvious. He went this far to realize that needing space didn’t have to mean being alone. Needing freedom didn’t need to mean being alone. It didn’t have to mean that.

It was a good thing to know, in any case.   

So he finished his week in the wilderness, feeling refreshed, somewhat bored, brimming with answers, and somehow still unsatisfied. 

He drove to Sierra Nova and found a patch of land where he could settle his camper. Climbing classes started this week, and he looked forward to it. He needed groceries and fresh water, and he needed to do laundry, but all that could happen later. He had a good strong cell connection for the first time in a week, and there was one voice he couldn’t wait to hear.

“I can’t stop thinking about you,” he said.

“Oh, yeah?”

“On your couch, on your bed, in the kitchen too.”

Maria blushed a little, remembering.

It was seven in the evening and Johanna was still awake. He couldn’t wait to call, and she couldn’t wait to hear from him. Even though that meant keeping their conversation polite for delicate ears. On Maria’s end, anyway. 

“Mama, can I talk to Mister Jordan?”

“Maybe tomorrow, baby. It’s Mama’s turn.”

“And the bathroom,” he said, “in the shower.”

She giggled. “But we never did it in the shower?”

“I know. That doesn’t stop me from imagining it.”

“Well, I’m glad I made an impression, but I didn’t mean to torture you.”

“Torture is right,” he said.



“I’m sorry. Do you think maybe we shouldn’t have?”

“No, no. Don’t be sorry. That sounded wrong. We definitely should have.”

“But I feel bad,” she said. “You were supposed to have a peaceful time on your own. And I messed with your head right before you went.”

“I like you in my head.”

“I just hope you won’t resent me for it someday. And don’t promise you won’t, because you can’t know that. It was too soon, and you weren’t ready.”



“Maybe I wasn’t ready, but that doesn’t make it a mistake. That’s not the part I’m unsure about. It’s just… tricky. I thought coming out here would fix everything. But, it turns out, Colette can nag me just as much here, more even, and I don’t get to see you. I miss you. I miss my boys. I’m not sure I’ve made my situation any better. I’m pretty sure it’s worse.”

“I miss you, too,” she said. “I think you’ll feel better when you start climbing. That’s the point of it all, right?”

“Yeah, or, I don’t know. I think maybe—”

There was a knock on the door, then Johanna let out a boisterous shriek. “Aunt Lou!” 

Lou waved through the glass and then let herself in.



“Oh, it’s just my sister here,” Maria explained to Jordan. 

“I can let you go,” he said. 

“No, don’t go. Wait.”

Maria’s sister stopped by often after work, so she was mostly certain there was no urgency or occasion to the visit. In fact, the timing was rather convenient. 

“Watch JoJo for five minutes?”

“Sorry, she just stops over sometimes,” Maria explained. “I’m on her way home from work, and it’s her duty as a big sister to come by and tell me how I can do my life better. You were going to say something?”

“Oh, it was nothing,” he said. 

“Are you sure?”

“Heh, yeah.” 

He laughed softly, and she could imagine the smile that went with it, happy and a little bit shy. She needed to see his face. 

“Okay,” she said. “Well, then, maybe instead, how’s your connection? Good enough for video?”

“Maybe. Let’s see.”

They both turned on their videos.




“Hi,” she said. “It’s so good to see you again.”

“You’re so pretty,” he said.

“So, they say these phones are waterproof. Wanna see if it’s true? Tell me about that shower you were dreaming of.”

She turned on the shower. 

“Yes, ma’am,” he said.

She set her phone on the shelf, wedged behind a sponge and pointed it toward the spray. Then she slipped out of her clothes and into the water.

He described the soap, the water, the slippery touch sliding down her skin where his fingers were meant to be. And she did as he said, word for word, touch for touch. 




Which turned out to be a mind-blowing living reenactment of the fantasy that had plagued him for the past three weeks, and he lost all of his words, only able to moan, Fuuuuuck.

“Keep talking,” she said.

He did his best. And she let him see how much she liked it.

—

Ten minutes later—okay, maybe closer to fifteen—Maria returned downstairs in pajamas with a towel on her head, a flush in her cheeks, and she hoped not too obvious a tremble in her knees.

Johanna grinned with an animal cracker in her mouth. “Mama’s all squeaky clean!”

Lou said, with an eyebrow raised, “Yeah, your mama was a very dirty girl.”

They made polite conversation about Lou’s legal work while Johanna finished her crackers, then she left the table to play with her dolls.



“So he’s still calling?” Lou asked. 

“You thought he wouldn’t?”

Lou laughed. “Do you want me to be honest?”

“He was just out of cell range for a while. See, here.” Maria pulled up some pictures he sent of where he camped in the northern Cascades. It looked so beautiful and wild. Maria kept thinking about this one photo he took from a summit, an expanse of pine forest for as far as the eye could see, and she never imagined anywhere could be so uninhabited. It seemed scary, to be honest. He was so brave. 

But Lou was more of a city girl, and she didn’t appreciate the appeal. She smirked. “Nice rocks, they look very mountainous.”  

“You think he’s a bad influence on me?”

“He’s definitely some kind of influence,” Lou said. “It’s just, so, he ran off to follow his dreams? What about your dreams? Don’t just sit around pining for him.”

“I’m not pining, this is just my face.” Maria shrugged. “My dreams? I don’t know, should I start knitting? Scarves can’t be that hard, they’re just like rectangles, right? I’ll open an Etsy shop. Do you like that dream for me?”

“God, that would be a very sad shop.”

Maria never considered what her dreams were supposed to be. She thought she had that figured out once. She married a military man, and she was going to be a wife and mother. She’d already decided to give up her music. When that didn’t pan out, next she dreamed of Jordan, her elusive and charming friend, her sweetheart, but that didn’t pan out like she thought, either. Now what?

She pined for Jordan, yes, but she also pined for his bravery, that he was trying to know himself so deeply, that he actually went out and did it. She was proud of him. She was inspired by him. 

“Well, whatever you do,” Lou said, “don’t throw away your whole life to follow this one, too.”

“I was supposed to be a military wife,” Maria said. “Maybe following a man around is the one thing I’m actually built to do.”

Lou sighed and shook her head. “But look at how that turned out for you.”

Lou never really loved Joseph much, either, or the idea of her sister ditching her orchestral aspirations to get married and then soon widowed at the tender age of twenty-two. It was an old wound at this point, but still, an actual husband dead wasn’t something to joke about. The thing was, Maria was pretty sure her sister wasn’t joking. 

“Rude, Lou,” Maria said. “You’re just a mean old lesbian who hates men.”

Lou chuckled. “I am a mean old lesbian, but I don’t hate men. I love Leo.”

“That doesn’t count, he’s your brother.”

“And he’s not much of a man,” Lou said. 

They both had a little giggle at their brother’s expense. “Okay, this calls for a girls’ night,” Lou announced. “Let me know what nights you have off. We’ll do it at my place so JoJo can crash. Not too many people—Jaime, Jessica, Laney, some girls from work. We’ll get smashed and watch dumb horror movies and play cards.”

“Yeah, okay. I’ll let you know,” Maria said. Then she called out to Johanna, “Bedtime, little monkey. Come say goodnight.”

Johanna gave her aunt a hug and ran upstairs to wait for her bedtime stories, which meant playing with every toy in her bedroom and leaving them all sprawled across the floor before her mother got there to read. 




“You’re going to show me more pictures, aren’t you?”

“Just a couple more,” Maria said. 

“Okay, go on then.” 

Maria scrolled through a few more of Jordan’s photos. A selfie on the edge of a cliff. A fish he caught. “There was only one fish, he’s very bad at fishing.” A stew he made from mushrooms he foraged. Several shots of campfires. The murky mountain lake where he swam. “And he got a leech on his ankle. Oh my god, I would have actually died!”  

“How many pictures did he send you?”

“I don’t know, like a hundred or something,” Maria said. “Oh, and he got another tattoo. It’s hot, right? Well, you probably don’t think it’s hot. But trust me, it’s hot.”

“You’re a complete lost cause, you know that?”

Maria grinned. “Goodnight.”

—

gameplay notes: Kyle’s tattoo shop // Stephanie the fix-it-girl // Maria and JoJo photoshoot // Jordan in the wilderness gameplay // Colette really does call him five times a minute

Story notes: 

So we only just met Lou properly, even though she’s been mentioned several times as “Maria’s sister” in the stories. She doesn’t have a profile page made yet (although there was a short Tumblr thing), so I’ll fill in some gaps about her. She’s a logic type, a lawyer, she’s opinionated, independent, and no, she doesn’t have much fondness for many men she meets, except her baby brother. She cares about her family, and she does look out for her siblings in her ways. But besides that, she is rather detached and a little cold. Not mean, exactly, but definitely blunt. I don’t think that’s because of any trauma or anything, it’s just who she is and how she prefers to operate. Sometimes that bluntness hits Maria a little hard, because Maria is much softer. But I think there’s a lot of genuine caring there.