Drown #4: these bones

April 2084 — Stephanie Day and Justin Kim are 24. Keri Riley is 23. Jeremiah Day is 27.

* soundtrack: “See These Bones” by Nada Surf
** briefly NSFW


Stephanie opened her email and froze when she saw Jeremiah's name. He was already back on Europa after his patrol duty, and she'd forgotten to write to him the whole time he was out. She felt like a monster.

She opened the message.

Dear Steph,

I guess I know now why they called up the coast guard reserves. We’re just out here sitting in ships, waiting for something to happen. Most of the time, nothing happens. Some day something’s going to happen and I wonder if we’ll know what to do.

Why aren’t you writing? I’ve been out for weeks and come back to nothing? That really sucks, when all the other guys have something to read and I have nothing. A guy’s gotta have something to look forward to, you know? To make it all worthwhile. Don’t you miss me? I sure as hell miss you. Write me or something. Send a pic of Willow.

I love you,
Jeremiah

"Oh, shit," Stephanie said. The message arrived fifteen minutes ago, but the relay took two hours. Maybe she could catch him before his next shift out.

Jeremiah,

Sorry. I’m so sorry! Of course, I miss you! I’ve just been busy. My mom gave me some money to remodel the house so I’ve been painting and picking out wood panels and stuff.
— Steph

[attachment: Willow1.jpg, Willow2.jpg]

Hours later, she got a reply:

As long as that’s the only thing keeping you busy. ;)

Send one of you, too. Minus your shirt.

- J

This was something Stephanie would never get used to, the necessities of a long distance marriage, nude photos? She didn’t sleep with her first boyfriend for a year when they started dating, and even with Jeremiah, in her twenties, she made him wait four months. She never went skinny dipping. She never lifted her shirt to flash at a drunken college party. She never sent a man photos in college or while they were dating, and the idea of it still made her cringe. Until a few months ago, no man ever saw her boobs who wasn’t about to touch them, and that had been a grand total of two. Marital duties, redefined. She expected they probably showed them off to each other, but she hoped that her husband wasn’t the type.

She stood in front of the mirror and unbuttoned her shirt, dropping it on the floor.



The photo that came out didn’t look sexy. It was awkward in stance and her skin looked washed out from the early spring light. Her summertime freckles had faded from her chest and she was eager for the impending sunshine.

[attachment: MinusShirt.jpg ]

A few hours later:

[attachment: Salute.jpg]

Stephanie gasped at the enormity of her husband’s hard penis filling the screen. Then she laughed, not at the penis because his penis looked as fine as a penis could look in a photo, but at the idea that she wondered how many women in the world got a dick pic from a few hundred million miles away?

Actually, it probably wasn’t that rare these days.

In May, Jeremiah will have been gone for a year, for a third of the whole time Stephanie had ever known him. The other morning, Willow had asked her, "Daddy hair?" What did her father's hair look like? She carried around a photo of Jeremiah, and in it he wore that silly surf-print fisherman's cap. What did his hair look like? Stephanie could hardly remember. She only remembered the feel of it, short, soft, when he took it off in bed. But in her memory, there was only the hat.

Stephanie wrote back to him:

Send a photo I can show your daughter, minus the hat. 

- S

***

Keri's mother had just visited the lunar complex on a short government visit, and that was more than most troops got to see from their families. She had been so happy to see her mom though. Keri felt renewed and full of purpose. And more recently, they had given her something of a promotion. A sideways move, but the work was so much more important. She was in communication with the Europa station and the scientists who had first discovered the ships. The "little shits" they all called them, informally. It was fitting. They were so small, easy to miss, but catching the light and they filed in and out of the gasses of Jupiter like a swarm of insects. Small was relative, of course. Their estimates suggested they were actually the size of a passenger plane if you were to stand next to one.

And what were they doing there? That was what these initial missions sought to find out. First, they would reinforce the Europa and Callisto outposts to support more troops. Second, they would investigate. Over a few months, the Europa outpost had ballooned from a small scientific research station to a full scale military base. The scientists sent back data and Keri reviewed it, sorted it, filed it, and sent the more pertinent pieces to her supervisors for review.

The more she knew, the less scared she felt. The little shits seemed interested in Jupiter for some reason, so maybe they would stay there. After two years of observation, they were sure enough about that theory to start the first rounds of R&R. Troops at the lunar complex would be first to go home, because they were closer. The Mars units would come next. Then after three years, if we were still doing this, they would talk about bringing home the further outposts. They were training new recruits to put into rotation.

Stephanie might like to hear that, Keri thought. Her husband would be home after three years, and they wouldn't make him go back out there again. Stephanie should think more about her own husband, then maybe Justin wouldn't have so many bitter ideas in his head.

***

Justin went to work, and he never minded getting texts from Stephanie during his work day.

Steph: theoretical question, but be honest. If Keri sent you a nude photo, would you show it to other people?

Justin laughed at the idea of Keri ever sending a nude photo. While she'd probably love the attention, that would mean she ever thought of him at all, which was doubtful.

Justin: Maybe. I'd probably have to show it to somebody to make sure it was really real and that my eyes weren't fooling me. 

Steph: You turd. Men are all like that, aren't they? 

Justin: Like what? 

Steph: I got a dick pic from outer space. Achievement unlocked?  

Justin: Please don't show me a picture of Jeremiah's dick. 

Then Justin had a phone call. Keri's interruptions to his work day were rarely as amusing or pleasant.


It was Keri. "Hey, babe," she said. "I wanted to catch you real quick. They’re giving me R&R in October."

"You’re coming home? For how long?"

"Four weeks," she said.

"That’s all?"

"That’s not bad. Don't be greedy."

"Hey," Justin said, "You should send me some pictures. You know, without clothes."

Keri made a scoffing sound. "Are you even serious? Where am I going to find to do that? In my shared bunk? Should I be wearing my standard issue uniform?"

Well, somehow Jeremiah managed, and the Europa station was hardly more than a tin can next to the Lunar complex where Keri was. It was more at peril, too. "That might be hot," he said. "With the buttons undone and something red peeking through underneath."

"There are more important things in life than boobs," she said.

"Yeah, okay. So, four weeks? And we’re doing this for four years?"

"Doing what for four years?"

"You know, eleven months off, one month on?"

"It’s better than some people get," she said. "The farther outposts can’t come home for two to three years, if they’re lucky."

"But then you’re done, right?"


"What do you mean, done?"

"You only have to serve four," he said. "And then you said you were coming home for good."

"I'm contracted to serve four, but Justin, I'm only just getting started."

"But, you said—"

"They just moved me to the Europa transcripts. In less than a year! Don't you realize what a big deal that is? And that's just the first step. Don’t you realize, I’m on a straight path to be communications lead to General Deppiesse. This is so exciting! Why aren’t you excited for me?"


"You got it because of your mom, probably," he said.

"That is a shitty thing to say. It’s because I’m good at something. You don’t want to believe that, do you? You just want me to be some pampered little princess, well, that’s not who I am anymore."

"So what you’re saying is, this is our life now? For good. This is it."

"Well, it won’t always be this intense," she said. "When this is over, I’ll be on more of a schedule. It’s likely you could even follow me some of the time."

"So now I’m not just giving up my marriage, but my job and my family and my friends, to follow you?"


"I don’t know, Justin. I don’t know what it’s going to be like. I don’t know yet."

"This isn’t what I wanted," he said.

"What are you saying?"

He almost didn't say it, but he regretted now all the times he didn't say what he really felt before. It probably wouldn't have changed anything. She probably would have still gone anyway. They'd probably end up just like this anyway. But maybe he'd feel better about it all. "I’m saying that this isn’t what I wanted for my marriage, for my daughter, for my life. This isn’t what I wanted."


"But what are you saying?"

"I'm not going to say it here. I'm at work, Keri. I like my job, too. Are you excited for me?"

"Well, while we're calling things out, don't forget that my dad got you that job."

"Don't worry," Justin said. "They never let me forget that."

"When I get home in October, we will talk about this," Keri said. "There's just so much going on right now. This is important to me, I need you to understand that. Priorities, Justin."

He knew exactly where Keri's priorities were. Justin left the office and went for a candy bar and soda break. He walked around town for a while, stewing, trying to consider whether he'd blow off the rest of the day or not.


When he came back, they told him, "Justin, your mother-in-law is in the lobby. She’s been here about half an hour. She said she wanted to wait for you."

Everyone else teased, "Ooh, Justin’s in trouble!"

Justin never disliked his in-laws before now. Keri was right, her father gave Justin his first job after college, and he put in a recommendation for the job he had now. Justin owed them a lot. Bryson never had a son, only his spoiled princess of a daughter, and when Keri made her choice, they folded Justin into their family and made him one of their own. He had always appreciated that before, but he never considered how things might be if his marriage to Keri went sour.

As his co-workers had promised, Madison was waiting in the lobby to talk to him.


"Well, I just heard from Keri," Madison started. "She was very upset. How could you say those things to her?"

"What did she tell you I said?"

"You're really going to make her worry about a divorce in the middle of a war?

"I didn't say that ... exactly. I didn't say I was going to make her do it now."

"But how could you even bring that up? Now, of all times? It’s a little selfish, Justin. You don't understand what's going on out there. Somebody needs to be doing these jobs, so why not Keri? She’s doing important work."

That word again—important. Who got to decide what was important and why?

It confused him, remembering how Madison had first reacted to the idea of Keri in space. She'd done a complete one-eighty, and now she almost seemed beaming with pride at her spoiled little warrior princess. Justin felt so angry and hopeless.


Madison softened then. She smiled that diplomatic smile of hers, professionally polite and cold as stone. "It’s stressful, sweetheart, we know. But let’s not get carried away about it. You two will work it out when she’s home next. She’s due home for a visit in October! Isn’t that exciting!?"

"Yeah, exciting," he said. "Can't wait."

"Just remember the good times," Madison said.

Justin tried to remember a single good time. But then he had a text from Stephanie:

Steph: the girls just went down. You coming over? Ice cream and cartoons?

The short flicker of a smile was washed clean off of his face by the stone cold glare of his mother-in-law reading the text over his shoulder.

***

Stephanie looked up from the TV when Justin came through the door. He didn't come to sit down, only stood in the foyer, unmoving, instead of taking off his shoes. She went to him instead.


"What's wrong?"

"She skipped out of our whole life and I’m the selfish one? Maybe I'm selfish then, if I wish my wife thought I was important to her. I'm not a priority, she said so. I'm not important. I don't know how to fix that."

"She's wrong," Stephanie said. "You are so important."

He needed to be hugged. He needed to be kissed all over his face. She reached for his cheek.


But, as she finished, she hesitated for a moment near his lips. A moment too long, because that was all it took. Then they were kissing. He started it, maybe, although she couldn't quite tell who did the kissing first. For eight seconds, the deepest, most repressed secrets in her heart came to life.


One second: his lips were hot and soft. Two: his hands ran up and down the length of her back. Three: complete surrender, her body felt like liquid. Four: he was stronger than she imagined. Five: her hands under his jacket, untucking his shirt. Six: his hands under her shirt now, skin to skin, reaching, feeling. Seven: he could have all of her. Anything he wanted. Eight: he stopped, their lips still touching but frozen. She felt a tear fall from his nose to her lips.


"I’m sorry," he said. "I'm sorry, Steph, I shouldn’t have done that."

Stephanie felt dazed and breathless. He sobbed desperate tears into her hair and engulfed her in his arms. She finally regained control of her body, to pull him closer, to hold him, to say, "Shh... It's okay, don't be sorry."

"I'm just so mad," he said. "I am selfish. I was selfish and needy and I don’t want to do that to you. I want to kiss you, but not because I'm mad at her. You’re just so kind and generous and caring, and so beautiful. Not just on the outside, but through and through. Steph, you’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever known. But I’m just so mad and it’s just so unfixable. She got what she wanted and I hope she’s fucking happy because I’m never going to be happy for her."

She wasn’t going to stop him. But he was so sensible and intuitive, and he was right. It shouldn’t happen because he was mad at Keri. But Stephanie wasn't going to stop him. She was just going to let the feeling sweep her away like she always did, and he saved her. You should have stuck with Justin, her mother always told her, He was always such a good influence on you.

But Justin didn’t want her back then. How funny that everyone assumed it was the other way around.

"I wasn’t being kind," Stephanie said. "I was being selfish, too. I've been in love with you since the summer before freshman year. Giving you away was the biggest mistake of my life."

"You never gave me away," he said. He pulled back then to look her in the eyes. "You and me, Steffie, we go back forever. Whatever happens, if it works or if it doesn’t, let’s promise we’ll never let it change us."

"I promise," she said.

"I should probably go home."

He tried to pull away from her, but he still looked so lost and sad that she couldn't let go of his hand.  

"No, you shouldn't go. You should stay." She took his hand and pulled him toward the stairs. "Don't be alone. Come lay with me. It'll be okay."

"After what I just did, you want me to come to bed with you?"

"Yes," she said. "Because you're mad at Keri and because you're you. Nothing will happen tonight."

"Okay," he said. He took off his shoes and his jacket, and he followed her upstairs.







They held each other through the night. They loved each other in that gentle and unassuming way they always had, childlike, innocent, and bigger than they knew, like it was carved into their bones.

—