first comes love... gameplay notes on love and marriage in TS4

Jacob is a sweetheart. But he is also very trusting and naive and a little bit oblivious. Lauren is moody and dramatic and a little bit narcissistic. Are they a match made in heaven or hell? I don’t know, but I’m gonna throw my hands up at them and let them find out.

He has not dropped any pressing questions just yet, but he did say three very heavy words, and I caught him in this very romantic scene with a very telling thought bubble over his head. I do think that he means it. Whether or not he should mean it is another question entirely, but I do think that he’s in love with Lauren. He thinks about her constantly. He wants to kiss her and hug her when she’s near, and he’s rolled several very weighty engagement/marriage wishes for her. For a sim, in my gameplay style, that means love. And maybe that love will at best drive him crazy, and at worst destroy him. I guess we’ll see, but one way or another, he’s in love.


Talking about Sims 4 and marriage/engagement wishes, I am finding them very interesting! Some sims seem to roll them incredibly frequently, while others hardly roll them at all. (And so many other things you could make of them—what mood they are in when they roll them, or who else they roll romantic wishes for…)

It's hard to pretend this doesn't happen. How do we make sense of it? He's a 19 year-old boy at college for the first time. Selena is freaking hot, so why would he want to flirt with her? lol! Let's not tell Lauren that part, I'm sure she wouldn't take it well, insecure as Lauren is. 

So I’ve been keeping a tally of the number of wishes rolled for my couples who are 19 or older, in a committed relationship, but not yet married. I’ve only been playing this game for about 10 months in story time, so I’m still figuring out how significant or insignificant these wishes are. The tally looks like this at the moment:


Jake and Lauren—dating 7 months
Jake to Lauren: 4
Lauren to Jake: 2

Luis and Selena—dating 10 months
Luis to Selena: 2
Selena to Luis: 4

Aubrey and Cody—dating 7 months
Aubrey to Cody: 2
Cody to Aubrey: 3

Raquel and Sarah—dating 4 months
Raquel to Sarah: 3
Sarah to Raquel: 1

Keri and Bentley—dating 2 months
Keri to Bentley: 1
Bentley to Keri: 1

Ryanne and Serge—dating 4 months
Ryanne to Serge: 1
Serge to Ryanne: 0

Anika and Austin—dating 1 week
Anika to Austin: 1
Austin to Anika: 0

Note: these are only sims who have started dating during the current timeline, to keep things fair in comparison. Otherwise, I'd have to include sims like Justin and Stephanie who have rolled many many more marriage wishes, but that's over several years, not just 9 months. I think Justin is up to about 18 wishes at last count, the poor dude, lol!



(This is an expression I often see on Lauren's face. I imagine it means, "Hang on a minute, I think I might care about you more than I care about myself and what I want in this exact moment." lol!)


I doubt that I’ll let any of these sims propose just yet. I’m still kind of weighing out how much these wishes mean in relation to how long they’ve been dating. In TS3, my sims never rolled romantic wishes AT ALL, EVER. In TS2, it was much more rare and meaningful an occasion when they did. But in TS4, it seems both meaningful but also fleeting when they do roll them. It’s sort of like, “Oh hey, I could see myself being married to this person.” Not necessarily that they really want to get married exactly right now. But if they keep rolling the wishes, I start to notice. And if they stop rolling the wishes, I notice that, too. I’m thinking that after 5 wishes, I might start to take them seriously and let them think about actually proposing. If they roll another bunch of “get married” wishes after that, maybe they can actually go through with a wedding.

It also means something significant, I think, when a sim has NEVER rolled a marriage wish. When they come so frequently to others, it makes me think they feel like, “I have never thought about marrying this person at all.” And man, for some couples that have been dating a little while, that would be kind of a bummer. Perhaps some of them are not thinking about marriage simply because they’re not ready for it. I don’t have a lot of data to go on at the moment, but I’m collecting ideas and seeing where they go. There is a lot to make of it all, and it’s really fun to think about.

So in regards to Jake and Lauren, yes, I believe that he loves her, as much as a 19 year-old boy knows how to love. Is it the real deal though? Who the hell knows. I don’t think he’s very sure of it. I don’t know what the future holds for Jacob, and I’m having quite a bit of fun not knowing. I look forward to finding out what happens to him.


And how much does Lauren love Jake? She hasn’t said so. And to be honest, I feel like she’s at a point in her life where she’s just now exploring what it means to love another person who isn’t family or herself. The one single moment she rolled an engagement wish was when Jake was fixing the kitchen sink, and I imagine she thought, “That’s totally hot, I could stare at that forever.” Yes, it kind of is hot. But does hotness = lifelong commitment? I don't know. And I don’t think Lauren knows, either. And if there is real, genuine lifelong love here, I think they’re only just picking at the surface.




Luis and Selena are another couple who have a complicated but weighty relationship. To be honest, I totally didn't think they'd date as long as they have, but his interest in her is proving to be noteworthy. Which is not to say that he doesn't think of other girls, because he does. And which is not to say that he'll never cheat on Selena, because he might. But he thinks of Selena a lot, and he's rolled two engagement wishes for her (compared to her four for him), which is more dedicated than I thought he would be. And I'm even sort of second-guessing his aspiration now. He doesn't feel very much like a player kind of romance sim to me—he's much more focused on his studies and future career than he is bedding a bunch of women. He's feeling much more like a fortune sim to me, and since he's just barely past his 21st birthday, he's allowed to make that change in my game. (That's another gameplay post I have in mind for another time—when and how they're allowed to change their aspirations, since in TS4, they can do so freely.)

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7/11/21: updated notes after 6 years (!!!) of gameplay: 

The game was still pretty fresh when I first posted on this topic. But after so many years of gameplay with many different couples, I thought I should give this post a little update. 

Surprisingly, not much has changed. As it turns out, my initial observations all those years ago were pretty spot on. 5 engagement whims is my benchmark for popping the question, and about five more before they go through with a wedding. For my sims, the path from dating to marriage goes about like this: 

0 whims: this is notable. For as frequently as my sims roll engagement whims, it’s interesting to see a sim in a relationship who does not roll one ever. To me, that’s saying, “I have never considered marrying this person at all.” Ouch. But that could also be because the sim is just not ready for marriage at this point in their life. Like, “It’s not you, it’s me.” But you know, sometimes it is you, lol! 

1 whim: noted, but not taken too seriously. Basically, the first time a sim ever thinks, “I could see myself marrying this person someday.” Lots of my couples roll one whim shortly after they first fall in love, then it could be a while before they roll any more. 

2-3 whims: feelings are getting serious here, depending on the time frame these whims are rolled. It typically spans a few months in story time. I only count one whim per play session, and my play sessions are rarely more than one 24 hour period. So if a sim rolls more than one in a day, I’ll note one whim and tell them to go chill out a little, lol! Over years, though, that would be a very slow growing relationship. My sims who are really into each other roll them faster than that. 

3-4 whims: strong feelings here. Probably 75% of my dating couples who aren’t destined for marriage won’t make it this far before the relationship fizzles out, or one of the pair meets a more suitable partner. Sometimes a sim will roll several very quickly. For others, it could take years. I kind of like that variety in my gameplay. 

5 whims: this is the point I feel a sim is certain enough about their feelings to pop the question if they feel good about the relationship. If they feel certain about their own feelings but doubt their partner is ready, they might wait longer. 

Sentiments: 

Sentiments are a fun new addition to the game, and they really give a feel for how enthusiastic one sim is about another. I love to see my sims roll them up, and I think they’re so endearing. When couples are really in love, they often have a lot of cute sentiments that make them feel happy or flirty around each other, which helps their relationship flourish. 

The sentiments come and go, some lasting longer, some fading quickly. Sims can have up to four sentiments about another sim, but three is the most I’ve seen one of my own sims have. Two is much more common. Four would be a lot of feelings!

Again, when sentiments are so common, for a couple to have no sentiments at all for each other is also notable. I would take that to mean the relationship was at risk of growing stale. 

Chemistry and attraction mods:

I’ll note that I am currently using Wicked Whims, which includes attraction. And ThePancake1’s Chemistry System. While some players might consider attraction and chemistry in whether a couple proposes or not, for my gameplay, it has a lot more to do with the beginning of a relationship and whether they stay together. Of course, a couple with good chemistry and attraction is more likely to stick together long enough to roll a bunch of engagement whims.  

From engagement to marriage: 

I’d like to see my engaged sims roll a few more marriage whims after the engagement to show that they’re serious about actually getting married, Especially if their dating period was shorter. But they are free to start planning their wedding—it takes me a long time to pull weddings together in my game—or at least daydreaming about the where and when and what they’ll be wearing. 

Then, sometimes, break the rules: 

Let’s not forget that perfectly sensible decisions don’t stir up as much drama, and drama in our stories is fun. In the heat of the moment, two sims might pop the question (or even elope) prematurely. We can’t follow the rules all the time. ;)

- simultaneously rolled whims give a “heat of the moment” feel

- certain traits or aspirations (jealous, hopeless romantic) might not want to wait for 5 whims

- perhaps youth might inspire a rushed decision 

- perhaps emotional turmoil might inspire a rushed decision

Further notes: 

- Divorce whims exist!!! Whoa, that was a surprise!

Related Tumblr posts:
- already married sims, part 1
- already married sims, part 2
- divorce whims!